The Cozy Den
  • Blog
  • About
  • Photography
  • Shop

Note To Myself (For When I Don't Feel As Confident As I Do Right Now)

12/29/2014

3 Comments

 
Picture
Last week, I with dealing with almost constant anxiety, as several women I knew were being induced or having c-sections scheduled to get babies here before Christmas, and I was reminded every time I logged onto Facebook. This article was the catalyst for a very serious thinking session. Then I realized something very important for myself.

It was my choice to have a cesarean.

Absolutely my choice. Just like it was my choice to labor at home, to limit the number of tests run, to limit the number of ultrasounds done. Just like it is my choice (and Bear’s) to have Bean on a selective/delayed vaccination schedule, to take him everywhere with us instead of having a babysitter, to use homeopathic and natural remedies for ourselves and Bean unless we need something more, to cloth diaper.

I had (and have) complete faith and trust in our midwife, but I could have told her, “no,” when she told her assistant to call 9-1-1. I could have refused to allow the paramedics to take me into the ambulance. I could have denied consent to the operation by not signing the papers presented to me at the hospital. I could have said, “no,” until the very moment the anesthesiologist injected the stuff to knock me out.

I am one of the very lucky women in this country to have an emergency cesarean section without being bullied or forced into it. I agreed to this decision because it was the best choice for my baby and me. I made the choice based on the sound advice of my trusted practitioner, who actually had nearly the same exact thing happen to her.

While the whole experience was very surreal and seemed to happen in both an instant and an eternity, I was still completely aware of what was going on. Even though I wasn’t in control of how my baby acted during the birthing process, I was in control of my reaction to his actions.

I have known this, to an extent, since it happened. I guess the PTSD is blinding in a way, and that this is another step in my healing process. I still hate that I had to have a c-section, but I’m hating it less. My scar is less of a painful reminder and more of a source of amazement (my kid came out of that?!). I even managed a trip the other day to the maternity ward we lived on for a week after his birth, to bring cookies to a friend who just had her baby, and left without a panic attack.

I’m still dealing with a lot of “what-if”s and anxiety, panic attacks, hard feelings against the OB who performed the c-section for threatening me afterwards, and frustration at memory loss from moments I was hoping to cherish forever. I still have a long way to go, but I’m so grateful to have gotten this far.

3 Comments
Jo
12/29/2014 07:36:22 am

I adore you. You are amazingly strong, comitted, and self aware. What you are pasding on to your son are those very traits. The reality is this. When we feel supported and heard, we heal. That's what we do. No one can sat exactly what the timeline is for healing, it is as individual as fingerprints, but as long as you are moving forward, and trusting yourself enough to recognize when you aren't and utilizing your resources to move past hurdles that delay your healing, you will come out on the other side, stronger, wiser and WHOLE.

You got this.

Reply
Mama Bear link
12/29/2014 07:43:50 am

I adore you, too. Thank you for everything. <3

Reply
Dara Hart
12/30/2014 12:30:13 pm

I love you and I love this post.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Categories

    All
    Anxiety
    Art
    Baby
    Bean
    Birth
    Birth Trauma
    Breastfeed
    Breastfeeding
    Cloth Diaper
    Crunchy
    Decor
    Foodblog
    Gf
    Glutenfree
    Gluten Free
    Isabel Lee Designs
    Katz
    Mexican
    Photoblog
    Photography
    Pinterest
    Post Partum Depression
    PPD
    Project
    Recipe
    Review

    Author

    Mama Bear of one Baby Bear, Bean, who both love Papa Bear, and live in a crafty, gluten-free cozy den.

    Archives

    June 2017
    April 2017
    August 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Blog
  • About
  • Photography
  • Shop
✕